I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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