I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
