btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
