no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
