i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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