atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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