There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
