I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
