he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
