I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We were destined to go to rehab together
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
