If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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