it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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