I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
