just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We need to rekindle our bromance
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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