I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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