Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're like the curious george of whores
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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