When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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