I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
