This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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