Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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