Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
