i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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