It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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