dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Watching her eat just hurts me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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