I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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