I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize