I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
