I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
