Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize