Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
