I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
