I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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