Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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