We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
