wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Randomize
