why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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