I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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