Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize