i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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