if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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