My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
