he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
