Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
