then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
