im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
