what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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