i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
