new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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