Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
