you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize