If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
