I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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