Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Randomize
