NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
be right there i have to get my cape
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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