I hate your face
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
