Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
