He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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